The Working Mom by Kay Luna

With all those Discovery Channel shows about the Duggar family (17 or 18 kids and counting), Jon & Kate plus 8 … and, now, the big news about the “octo-mom” with octuplets and six kids at home … it looks like big families are a huge fascination to people.

And I have to admit, I’m one of those people! I love watching those Duggar and Jon & Kate shows whenever I can. And I sit and marvel whenever I’m with my best friend and her husband, who juggle six kids ranging in age from a high-school cheerleader to a set of infant twins.

I’m sick of the octo-mom story (ugh! that lady!), but those other families are just intriguing to me. How do they manage? How do they remember who is going where at what time, who’s picking up who, etc.???

As the mom of essentially two only children, 15 years apart in age, I just cannot imagine dealing with more than one kid at a time.

What about you? Know any big families in the Quad-Cities? Are you in one of them?

What do you think — are psychics for real? Ever gone to one for a psychic or tarot card reading?

I haven’t, but I’m curious.

And I’m thinking about writing a QCTimes story about psychics …  If you have any experience with one (or more), and have any suggestions about who to call in the area, please let me know.

Maybe a psychic will “sense” my need and call me first. I’ll let you know if that happens.

The images that flashed on the overhead screen made me gasp.

One was an advertisement for a child’s sized “chamber maid” outfit, that looked like a sexy French maid’s outfit for a risque adult Halloween party.

Another showed a greeting card meant for a preschooler, decorated with a Bratz doll on the front … and that doll was wearing what looked like a prostitute’s outfit, complete with short skirt, fishnet hose, stilletto heels.

Others showed fashion magazine content, including the front of a Seventeen magazine covered with headlines about how girls can “be hot” … complete with a close-up photo of Paris Hilton with a kitten on her shoulder (talk about the imagery there).

This was all a prelude for Dr. Gigi Durham’s talk about the years of research she’s done about the sexualization of young girls in the media (mostly meaning movies, advertising, video games, fashion magazines, etc. — not newspapers). Durham, a journalism professor at the University of Iowa, has written a book about the issue.

She spoke at an event today in the Quad-Cities for the Women’s Connection, which is an awesome group, by the way. 

Durham offered a lot of details about how the media feeds girls imagery that is negative, demeaning and incorrect about how they should think about their own bodies and sex in general. And she says it also is hurtful to boys, by sending the message that girls should wear clothing and behave in such a way to please THEM (the boys), not themselves.

Solutions? Her book offers lots of suggestions about how adults/parents/childrens’ caregivers can work against this — and her number one is TALK ABOUT IT. She says it’s never too early to ask your children, “What do you think of that commercial? What do you think they’re trying to tell us/sell us? Do you think that’s right?”

Even with boys … Durham said she studied video games as part of her research, and was floored by how many of them (she specifically mentioned “Grand Theft Auto”) closely connected eroticism with violence, sending the message to boys that violence is sexy.

She did get some laughs in the crowd by telling how she dealt with this topic with her own daughters. She said when one of the girls was 2, they were watching a Disney movie, and she asked the girl, “Do you think she can even BREATHE with her waist that small?” And the girl laughed, and said, “NO!” Even a toddler knew that those body proportions wouldn’t fly in real life.

The women who packed the new convention center in Bettendorf for this event today asked a lot of really good questions, and sounded very concerned about how they could work to combat some of this in their own homes.

What do you think? Are you concerned about what messages our daughters and sons are getting about sex? Do you talk to your kids about challenging some of those myths about how “perfect” our bodies are supposed to be and how we need to “live to please” the opposite sex?

We used to live across the street from a very nice couple and their adult son, who all shared a home together. I have no idea what their family circumstances were — why he ended up living with his parents for so long — and, frankly, it wasn’t my business. They were nice neighbors and we left it at that.

But sometimes, when I’d see the son outside,  I’d nudge my own son (who was about 10 at the time) and say, only half-joking, “Are you still going to live with us when you’re that old?”

His answer? Ummmm … NO. That’s kinda what we were thinking, too. I mean, we wanted him to grow up to be a strong, independent, confident young man, not living under our wings (and our noses) forever.

(But, secretly, I have to admit I also wished that I could freeze him in time and make him stay like that forever, always nearby so I could kiss his cheeks and see his smile anytime I wanted. Yeah, we don’t always get what we wish for … ha!).

Well, it turns out a lot more people than just our old neighbors are seeing their adult children move back in with them, as fears continue to run rampant about the economy. Check out this story in the Christian Science Monitor about the trend.

Really, though, is this such a NEW trend? Plenty of people already had been seeking shelter at their parents’ homes when they were going through divorces or breakups or financial situations, long before this current recession.

What about you and your families? Have you or anyone else in your circle had to “move back home” over the years? Anyone doing this because of the current economic downturn?

I’m spoiled. I have awesome in-laws.

They let me and my Babycakes crash their vacation, and tag along with them to visit their daughter/my sister-in-law and her family … in tropical, sunny Florida … in the middle of winter. Yes!!!

I mean, the visit with my family-in-law would be great, no matter where we were. They are great (and my nose is brown now, but I’m serious — they really are great).

But who wouldn’t want to lay out on the beach, next to the beautiful ocean, watching her toddler-daughter contentedly digging in the sand and picking up seashells??? And knowing that at home, people are digging out of the snow … ahhh, makes the beach all that much more beautiful. teehee!!!

My girl was great on the plane, to and fro … She really was very well behaved the whole trip, actually.

Funny moment: We were driving along, crossing a causeway where the river below is very stinky this time of year, for some reason. Babycakes had recently pooped and been changed before we got in the car. So, when the pungent river smell hit her nose, she looked at me, all confused, and asked, “I POOPING AGAIN?” Oh, man, did we laugh over that one. My hubby tells me that the story is lost in translation … one of those “you had to be there” moments. I don’t know, I’m still laughing over it, myself.

Best part of the trip: Spending time with family … and, then, coming home to family. Babycakes couldn’t run fast enough into her Daddy’s arms when we got home.

Yeah, did I mention we went on this cross-country trip with his parents … without my husband??? Yep, I really do have awesome in-laws. No, you can’t have them. teehee.

What have you been doing while I was away?

I’m taking a few days off. Going on a trip with my in-laws and 2-year-old Babycakes. Should make for some awesome blog-post material that I’ll write up when I return! teehee!

Before I go, thought you might get a kick out of hearing that if your babies use gestures in their communication, it means they’ll probably have a bigger vocabulary than other kids by the time they reach kindergarten. Read all about it here.

So, if your toddler offers you a special gesture — like flipping you the bird — you should just sit back and smile like a proud Mama! ha! Just kidding.

Yep, I apparently need a few days out of the office. Talk to you when I return.

I won’t be craving chocolate again for a lonnnnnnngggg time.

I overdid it on Valentine’s Day. But it was my JOB.

And it seemed like a wonderful “sacrifice” to make (haha!): I was asked to serve as  a judge in a chocolate dessert contest at a fundraiser event Saturday night for the YWCA of the Quad-Cities.

And there were tables and tables and tables and more tables, covered in chocolate goodies, at the party they held at the Holiday Inn in downtown Rock Island. All of it was delicious. There were beautiful cakes, cookies, candies, pies …. you name it.

But after eating so. many. chocolate. desserts …. before we’d eaten supper … I thought my belly might burst (my nylons were literally rolling down in front!) and the thought of eating chocolate again anytime soon does not sound good to me at all.

In fact, I haven’t been tempted to visit the chocolate-candy dish in the newsroom today, not once! Why didn’t I try this years ago? Maybe I should overload on my favorite Combo’s pretzel snacks next! haha!

And I just have to share this with you — when it happened, I soon thought, “Oh my gosh, this is so blog-worthy!” I was wearing this lovely new dress that night, and feeling so pulled together and pretty in my dress and high heels. My husband and I were walking across the street from the parking garage and over to the Holiday Inn for the fundraiser event, and I was prancing along … it felt cold, but it’s winter. Then, I noticed a woman sort of take a second look at me as we walking into the lobby.

I reached back toward my behind and realized … the liner of my coat had acted like Velcro on my dress, and the dress was pulled up — INSIDE MY COAT — in the back. I looked like I was wearing nothing but nylons and shoes and my coat, which barely covered my tush. And to add insult to injury, my husband hadn’t even noticed! hahaha!!!!

I quickly managed to pull the dress back down, and no one else seemed to notice (at least, that I realized — but I was prancing across the busy street in all my glory, so someone else must have seen me!) … but it was just too funny to giggle about alone.

Now, please take the heat off of me. Tell me about one of your embarrassing moments!

Did I ever say my 2-year-old daughter is like a mimicking parrot?! She repeats everything.

Case in point: Last night, I left her inside with her Daddy for a few minutes while I took our dog outside. When I got back in, she ran toward me, exclaiming, “Mommy! I was SO WORRIED about you!!!”

My husband laughed, shrugging his shoulders.

Yes, I’m a worrywart. But we also read a book about three puppies who get lost in the woods. When they return home, their Mom says, “I was so worried about you!”  So, the book gets partial blame.

She also has started saying, in the cutest little voice,  ”I freezin’ to death,” anytime she wants to cuddle under the covers with me on the couch.

But maybe the most horrifying — and, yet, funny — thing that has happened lately revolves around her newest favorite baby doll, which we found at a Goodwill store for $3 last weekend. She named the baby “Cookie” (it was completely her idea!), and carries the baby everywhere … even to bed.

Well, on that first day of new ownership, I thought I’d better wash the baby, just in case. So, when she went down for a nap, I slipped it out of her grip and put it in the washing machine.

I didn’t think about it later – after she woke up – when I was pulling the things out of the washer to go into the dryer. She saw me pull “Cookie” out of the washing machine, and you would have thought I had just committed a heinous crime. Her mouth dropped open and she looked HORRIFIED. She bawled and held out her arms to that baby (still soaking wet) and rocked her and just looked at me, like, “How could you?!!”

I apologized, explaining that I had to give the doll a bath … but we wouldn’t want to put real babies in the washer…awww, it was awful. I got her calmed down enough to put a blanket around “Cookie” and dry her off. She eventually seemed to forgive me, and now we talk a lot about how GOOD the baby smells!!! (Good grief!)

Anyone else gone through this, too?

It seems like people are losing their jobs, left and right. It’s a scary time for everyone — but especially for parents, who are trying to juggle so many things already.

How do you keep your family from spinning out of control — financially and emotionally — when you have lost your job or are facing a major financial setback? How do you talk to the kids about it?

Well, today I received an e-mail that seems especially timely, offering tips from leadership expert and author Jamie Woolf. The author says in the e-mail — touting her book, “Mom in Chief: How Wisdom from the Workplace Can Save Your Family From Chaos” — that the important thing is to carry with you and teach the children is that “we have the resilience to snap back.”

“Every mother falls apart sometimes,” Woolf said. “The question is how do we rebound and find the resources to deal with whatever life throws our way?”

She underscores this issue: Your children count on you to teach them the life skills they’re going to need—and resilience in uncertain times is one of the most important.

“The most successful leaders and family members can help people not only survive crises but also turn them into opportunities to grow,” says Woolf.

Coming straight from the e-mail, here are two lists of strategies adapted from the workplace that Woolf suggests parents use at home, to cushion the economic blow:

What Moms Can Do for Themselves 

1. Clarify your big picture goal or purpose: With their desired result clearly in sight, leaders focus on what they can control to move them closer to their goals. Decide what your goal is—staying out of the poorhouse? Reducing stress at home while you experience extra stress at work due to staff cutbacks? Making your kids feel emotionally secure while you’re financially insecure? Identifying your goal will help you stay on course to achieve it.

2. Convene your support team: Don’t suffer in silence. Talk to your friends, extended family, therapist, minister, or rabbi to express your feelings and worries. But be selective: Don’t call up doom-and-gloom downers and glass-half-empty cynics. Whom do you know who maintains a healthy attitude in the face of misfortune? These are the people to reach out to in challenging times.

3. Prioritize the challenge into small and manageable steps: Focus on what you have control over and leave the forces outside your control alone. Figure out what you can cut back on. Create a budget and stick to it. If your goal is reducing your debt, commit to paying $10 more per month on each credit card, stop using credit cards for anything but absolute necessities, or, if you want to really remove temptation, cut them up. Find actions that yield quick, high-impact results.

4. Transform crisis into opportunity: Getting your family to work as a team to get through the downturn can help take the load off you and can bring everyone closer together. The silver lining of having less disposable income to spend on going out is that you spend more time at home. Maximize that newfound family time by getting entertained the old-fashioned way: by playing board games, reading books, and watching TV together. Come up with creative ideas for outings that cost very little: hikes, picnics, walks on the beach. Deprogramming your kids from addictive consumerism is a gift that will last a lifetime. 

What Moms Can Do for Their Kids 

1. Develop caring connections: Display kindness, empathy, and compassion for your kids. If you’re feeling extra vulnerable these days, your kids may be, too. So make an effort to make them feel loved and secure at home. Be careful not to take your frustrations out on them—it’s a trap that even the most loving mother can fall into, especially in tough times.

2. Create motivating conditions: Express your faith that things will get better and help your kids shift from discouragement to optimism. When you cancel a planned family ski trip or vacation, assure them that they’ll be able to go next year, when the economy is in better shape.

3. Set an example: Model resilience when you confront challenges. If you get laid off and don’t fall apart, or if you have to start taking on extra work but still manage to get dinner on the table at the same time every night, this tells kids that no matter what happens, Mom can get through it, which will give them confidence that they can, too.

4. Focus on the big picture: If your goal is to provide a happy, healthy home for your children, don’t feel bad that you can’t buy them an iPhone—or go further into debt to get one! The importance of the basics has never been clearer. When the Sharper Image went out of business this year, it showed that maybe people realized they didn’t need an endless supply of high-tech gadgets to be happy. The most precious commodity is time. Figure out a way to give that to your kids and it will pay big dividends. 

She adds this: “The most important lesson to keep firmly in mind—and to share with your kids—is that the hard times won’t last forever. They never do, because change is life’s only constant. And it’s that knowledge that lies at the heart of resilience itself.

“Resilience is grounded in optimism, in hope for a better tomorrow,” says Woolf. “You will find a new job or settle into a new home or, worst case scenario, adjust to living a simpler, less materialistic life. Remind yourself of that. Remind your kids of that. Believing that your circumstances will improve is the first and probably the most important step in making them improve.

“The truth is, resilience breeds more resilience,” she adds. “It makes you stronger. And when you look at it that way, you can see that the hardships that help you hone it are more a gift than a curse.” 

So, what do you think? Are you facing tough economic times in your family? How are you talking to the kids about the changes you’re going through?

Do you haggle with store employees to get discounts on things you want to buy … even at retail stores?

What about bartering? A coworker says she knows people who trade whatever services they provide — bread-baking, sewing, hairstyling — in exchange for an item or service they want, without ever swapping money.

Have you done this?

If so, please share your stories for possible inclusion in my new Savvy Saver column – which appears every Monday in our new Solutions features section of the Quad-City Times — about ways we can all save money.

With the way the economy is going, I’m wondering if more people are negotiating with store clerks … even at big-box stores — and if those clerks are willing to consider striking this kind of deal, just to make a sale. Please tell if you’ve seen this happening, or have done it yourself.